


How to Destroy your Archenemy in Five Easy Acts

by Lilmizzhugable13



Series: The "How to..." Series [1]
Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Prank Wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 02:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12180936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilmizzhugable13/pseuds/Lilmizzhugable13
Summary: It’s on Louise’s 18th birthday when Logan declares war.It's on Louise’s 19th birthday when the war comes to an end.





	How to Destroy your Archenemy in Five Easy Acts

**Author's Note:**

> This is part one of a new series I'm starting on. I have four parts planned out, but I'm open to any suggestions you might have.
> 
> I hope you guys like this!

**I.**

It’s on Louise’s 18th birthday when Logan declares war.

It’s just like any other birthday. Her parents close the restaurant, and, with Teddy and Mort, they spend the day at Wonder Wharf. Tina can't fly down this year either, and this is the first birthday she spends without Gene, but the day is eventful enough that she doesn't feel their absence. They eat as much food as they can and ride all the rides. When they walk back, they come across a family of ducks that live in their alleyway, and Linda cries. She tries to convince her dad to adopt them, Bob says no, Teddy tries to convince him, Bob still says no, Mort agrees with Bob, Linda continues to cry, and they all start arguing, so Louise walks along without them. It’s just like every other birthday, and Louise loves that. She doesn’t handle change very well.

But something did change that night, and it’s standing right at her doorstep.

A Loganberry Bush.

Clever. Louise has to give him credit for that.

She hasn’t seen Logan in forever. Four years had passed without any altercation between them. Apparently, he was too busy being an adult or some other bullshit to deal with her. Louise was slightly offended, but ultimately, she was glad she didn’t have to deal with _him_. She had other, more important things to focus on than a petty childhood rivalry.

But this… this changes _everything_.

Louise would've thrown it away, but that's when her father rounds the corner and sees her glaring at the poor thing. Suddenly, the plant is his baby, and Louise has to listen to him all night thinking about all the burgers he can make with Loganberries.

**II.**

He is at her fucking graduation.

She hasn't seen his ugly face for years. In fact, the only reason Louise knows he’s still alive is through Cynthia. She comes to the restaurant regularly, not to eat but to brag about how Logan has found a new job at the only corporation they have in their small town, how his annual starting salary is $70,000, how successful he will be, how he has moved into some upscale apartment in the rich side of town, how he is going to make any woman happy, how she is going to get grandchildren before Linda did. That set momma bear into beast mode.

Louise avoids those arguments. Her father would have to break that up. Louise would just bust tables. She wants nothing to do with him or his “success” or his annoying mother.

But as she stands at the podium in the gymnasium, looking into the sea of graduates and proud family members, there is one person who stands out. There he is in all his glory, sitting smugly on the first row of bleachers, hands in his smug grey suit, a smug expression on his face.

_That smug bastard._

As class president, she has to give a speech. It is a requirement she couldn't weasel out of (and shit did she try). Eventually, she just had Regular-sized Rudy write her speech. She could tell he just googled inspirational quotes and copied all of them, but it is better than anything she could've written. It is acceptable.

But not anymore, not when that shit-head will be criticizing her every word. This is war. None of that cliché crap will suffice.

She starts off as planned, talking about how a butterfly escaping its cocoon is a metaphor for her graduating class and how they shouldn't be afraid to fly or some shit like that (“Aww, how beautiful!” “Lin, hush.” “Oh you hush Bobby!”). It is sappy, gross, and hard to get through, but if she can get through it during their rehearsal, she can get through it tonight. It doesn't matter if Logan is sitting right in front of her with an amused smile.

Finally, Louise got to the ‘thank you’s. She thanks her family, her friends, and the restaurant for the memories she created growing up, but that is all the sentiment she allows herself to display. She ignores the piece of paper in front of her and stares straight into Logan’s eyes.

“But most importantly, I'd like to thank the thorn in my side. He was a person who inspired me to reach new lows and, at the same time, pushed me to new heights. Without his constant pressure, I don't think I would have realized how cruel people can be and how great I am in comparison.” And then, the bastard actually laughs. He is the only one in the crowd who threw his head back and laughs loudly, obnoxiously, stupidly.

After congratulating her class once again, Louise takes her seat on the stage next to Millie, their Valedictorian. Her mouth starts running before Louise even sits down, but just like always, Louise ignores her. She ignores the entire ceremony and focuses on the parasite staring at her.

_That son of a..._

When the whole ceremony ends, he stands with the rest of the crowd and claps slowly, never looking away from her eyes. Louise scowls and moves her tassel. What is he, a villain from an 80s movie?

And when the celebration moves to the restaurant, he. is. there. He just sits in the booth, sipping his coke, watching Louise’s every step. She would look over to him every now and then, and he'd just have a blank stare. He isn't as cocky as he was in the gym, but Louise isn't sure which mood she prefers.

It isn't until he starts shooting spit balls at her that she cracks.

Okay. She's had enough.

Then, by some miracle, one of Big Baby Pudding Snatcher’s children made its way into the restaurant. With everyone distracted, Louise takes the opportunity to grab Logan’s hand and drag him outside.

“Thanks for the shout out, by the way. I had no idea I meant so much to you.”

“Shut up.”

They continue walking, or more like Louise continues to drag Logan around until they round the corner. Louise turns and hisses, “What the _fuck_ are you doing here?”

Logan keeps his nonchalant attitude. “Come on, Four Ears,” he coos down at her. She never had her growth spurt. Tina’s awkward, lanky body selfishly took all of them. “This is a big day for you. I wanted to be there for you.”

Louise scoffs. She doesn’t have a clever retort. It’s been awhile since she participated in clever banter, and, well, her cleverness was rusty, so she just turns around. She has every intention to walk back to the restaurant, lock the door, and leave Logan stranded outside.

But then Logan speaks, “Come on. Don't you want your graduation present?” and Louise is hooked.

“Ha! From you?” Louise laughs, turning back to him. “What is it, a gun?”

“Something you’ll hate.”

“You?” Louise takes his silence as a victory. She has no idea how right she is.

Logan walks forward, a little too close for Louise’s comfort, but before she can say anything, Logan grabs her face and pulls it to his.

It’s over before she can blink. By the time she processes the events, he is already gone, leaving her standing under a lamp post. Louise is seething as she walks back to the restaurant.

He wants to throw her off, to get into her head and screw with her thoughts, but it isn't going to work. Not if she can help it. There's no way she is going to let him win with cheap tactics.

It isn't going to work.

**III.**

It's working.

Logan is under her skin. Well, to be more accurate, his lips are, and she would rather have them _on_ her skin.

Louise feels disgusted with herself. To think she has succumbed to such trivial matters like feelings. To think a kiss is her downfall. She has kissed others before. Spin the bottle had been all the rage in middle school, and Louise was more susceptible to peer pressure than she thought. She kissed more guys than she would like to admit, so why the hell did a simple peck on her lips affect her this much?

Logan. Fucking. Berrybush.

And ever since the kiss, he has been MIA. He isn’t in her restaurant or on _their_ steps or anywhere else. Not even Cynthia comes anymore. For all Louise knew, Logan could’ve died, and it pisses her off. How can he just leave her alone after doing something like that? It’s like he knows exactly how to get under (on) her skin, like he knows the kiss is more than enough to screw with her thoughts.

“Goddamn it!”

**IV.**

The bell over the door rings.

“Miss me?”

Louise doesn't turn around.

“Hardly.”

She can't turn around. It’s the lunch rush, the first one they've had in weeks. With Jimmy Pesto’s closed for a mold problem, they’ve been getting more and more customers which is incredible if it isn’t for the lack of staff. With her father manning the grill and her mother manning the counter, Louise is stuck with the booths full of families. They are always the worst customers. Screaming children, scolding mothers, pretending-not-to-notice fathers; overall, they are indecisive, time-consuming, and just down-right annoying.

So no, she doesn’t want to deal with Logan at that moment.

“Louise!” her father yells through the pass-through. “Can you throw the trash? It’s building up in here.”

“Sure dad.” She can’t say it fast enough.

She practically runs over to the kitchen and drags the bags into the alley, five in total. “Alright, Little King Trashmouth, dinner is served. One bag for you,” she says, hauling one bag into the dumpster, “one for Gary,” she hauls another, “and one you can give to El Diablo if he ever wants to kill you again,” she hauls a third one in. “I’m leaving two bags in the other dumpster for Big Baby Pudding Snatcher and her kids. Don’t you dare take their food again.”

“So your aunt is a crazy cat lady, and you decided to one-up her by being a crazy racoon lady?” Louise moves to the next dumpster. “Come on, munchkin. Give me something to work with here!” She hauls the final two bags into their second dumpster. The Baby Pudding Snatchers are not home, to her disappointment. “When did you become a stick in the mud?”

She slams the dumpster close. “When did you become a dick?”

Logan laughs. “Alright, I walked right into that one.”

Louise tries to walk past him, but he blocks her way. She moves left, he follows. She moves right, he follows. It’s the most childish thing he has ever done, and it gets on her nerves. It’s so irritating, so she just stands still and crosses her arms. He stops too and smirks. Suddenly, that smirk is closing the distance and Louise braces herself.

But his lips miss their mark. They had to. There is no way he intentionally means to kiss her neck. And lick it. And suck it.

Louise is ashamed to admit she does nothing. She doesn't punch him or kick him or push him away or even move. Well, she shivers, but that is only because his teeth nipped at her skin. It’s not because it felt good. Not at all.

It’s only when he pulls away that Louise moves, her arm raising to cover her bruised skin. Logan says nothing. He just looks into her wide eyes and walks away. When he rounds the corner, Louise screams.

That son of a bitch! That sneaky, disgusting, conniving, childish, sickening, despicable, half-witted, monstrous son of a bitch! What makes him think that he can give her a hickey!? Does he understand how visible it is? It is red and purple and angry, even against her tan skin. And it’s right on the center of her neck! Not on her collarbone where she can easily hide it, no, Logan can never make it that easy. Piece of shit.

And the lies she has to tell her parents when they see it?

Ugh.

**V.**

Logan has no idea how to sneak around.

Louise knows he’s watching her. How can she not? His footsteps are too loud, and he is also too close. Basic spying rule number one: stay at least 10 feet away from the followee. Logan stays 10 inches away from her. He is also the most ungraceful person in the world. He runs into trashcans, bumps into people, and even trips over cracks in the fucking sidewalk!

It’s embarrassing. Really, Louise can’t do any better? No one else wants to follow her around? She’d take anyone else. Even Regular-sized Rudy would be an upgrade. At least he knows how to walk properly (well…). Logan is a disappointment and a failure and a disgrace and an idiot and damn it didn't he have somewhere else to be!

_No Louise. Don't lose your temper. That's what he wants._ And Louise is never going to give him what he wants.

It’s time for her to turn the tables.

**V.**

For a “sophisticated, multi-billion-dollar corporation,” or so Cynthia put it, their security is shit. Louise can probably run circles around them if she wants to.

She grips the clipboard tightly. This smile is starting to hurt, but she has to bare it. Sure, everyone is entitled and annoying, but she can’t afford to get kicked out. This is a reconnaissance mission.

“Oh! Are you selling Thundergirls cookies?”

But hey, a few extra bucks never hurt anybody.

She is a little annoyed that Tina’s old Thundergirls’ uniform fits her. Well, it fit her a bit baggy, but Louise tried her hardest to ignore that. It fits, it sucks, and that’s it. Moving on.

The building itself has 16 floors, but the security guard in the front told her she can only go to the first eight floors. That is where the workers’ cubicles are. The rest were offices for the higher ups, international colleague, and board rooms. Three floors are nothing. She can clear them in a day, but the thing is, she can’t be seen by Logan, and she has no idea where he is. She doesn’t know if he works as a regular worker or if he’s a higher-up or if he’s just a coffee boy. She knows nothing about his job or his work schedule. She needs to think this through, so that’s why this is a reconnaissance mission.

“Leaving so soon?” the security guard asks her.

And the smile is back on. “My order sheet is completely filled!”

“Well that's wonderful!” She sings, clapping her hands and going into some spiel of how she was a Thundergirl and how she wanted her daughter to join but she didn’t want to because she’s ungrateful.

Louise does her best to keep that smile on her face. “If it's no bother, I was hoping I could come back tomorrow to receive more orders, please?”

“Oh of course, child.”

Now the smile is real. “Thank you.”

**IV.**

And Louise did return the next day. And the next. And the next. And the next. It’s on her fifth day that she has more than enough information to craft a plan.

Logan works in Advertisement. His job is to create new slogans, commercials, and billboard designs for the company and their partners. Acacia from Accounting told Louise that Mark from Marketing has a meeting with Logan tomorrow at seven p.m. Apparently, Sally from Sales overheard Finn from Finance telling Huberta from Human Resources that this meeting was a big opportunity for Logan, so he would be prepping for it in the board room for at least an hour before the meeting started. Addison from Administration said it a meeting this important could take two, maybe three hours. Preston from Production predicted Logan would probably be so exhausted after the meeting that he would walk straight to his cubicle on the second floor, grab his things, and leave. He would probably be very tired an annoyed at the end of the day.

Perfect. Louise has about four to five hours to sneak in the objects and decorate his cubicle. She’ll go shopping today with the money from her Thundergirls’ cookies.

Oh yes, Louise is definitely going to leave her mark tomorrow.

**III.**

The bell above the door rang.

“Louise Belcher!”

“Oh, I'm so sorry,” Louise sings in a sickeningly sweet voice. “We are closed for today.”

“I want you to get rid of all that crap.”

Louise is moping the floors, so she doesn’t look up at Logan, but she can _feel_ his anger. “I have no idea what you're talking about, Logan,” she calmly states, trying her hardest to stop herself from laughing, but when she looks up and meets Logan’s heated stare, she snorts.

“I'm not fucking around.”

“Neither am I.” Louise feels victorious, but that feeling is short lived. They’re in a staring contest. The hatred in Logan’s red, tired eyes is rewarding, without a doubt, but somehow, it makes her skin crawl. She feels on edge, shifting her weight from foot to the other, but it isn’t enough. She wants to run away, back down, admit defeat, but fortunately, she has too much pride. It’s her pride that keeps her sane.

He breaks first, his eyes flicking down. “No makeup?” he asks, raising one eyebrow and taking a step towards her. “I wonder what your parents will say about that.” And now another contest begins.

Louise steps closer. “What will your boss say about your interesting collection?”

Logan frowns before taking a few steps towards the door. Louise wins again. “I mean it, Louise. Get that shit out of my office.”

“Or what?” She challenges, but her bravado wavers when she sees him. His suit is perfect on him. His mommy probably took him to get one tailored, but he looks… _good_ in it. His hair is completely disheveled. Actually, it looks just like how he used to style it in high school. His appearance tugs on something, nostalgia maybe. She can’t place it, but it makes her feel like she’s teased him enough for tonight. “Oh alright. It'll all be gone in the morning.”

Logan sighs. “Louise, I swear-"

“What? I'm only doing what you asked me to do. I'll get rid of all the Kuchi Kopi objects from your office, and that's it. I won't do anything else. I promise,” she assures him. She grabs her mop. “Oh, and in case anyone asks, the Thundergirls’ cookies were recalled for e. coli, so there will be no deliveries this year.” There’s a minute of silence, but after a while, the bell rings again and Louise is alone in the store.

Louise isn't lying. She isn't going to do anything else… to his _office_.

She thinks back to what the woman at the shelter said. Fifteen bucks doesn't seem so bad, and she still has some cash left over, enough for 23 of them. Will they even let her buy that many?

Louise shrugs. Oh well. She'll figure it out tomorrow.

**II.**

The brown ball of fur darts between Logan’s feet just as he opens the door.

“Aww, you let Cinnabun escape.”

He looks up from his phone, looks at Louise sitting on his bed, and then notices something hopping into her lap. And then another hops off. And then there’s one that jumps onto his pillow. And then there’s one that jumps off his bed onto the floor where the rest of them are.

Bunnies. There’s a shitload of bunnies in his apartment.

Louise laughs, gently putting Thumper down on the bed. She stands up, cautiously steps around the little balls of fur, and makes her way to the door. Logan is still frozen in his doorway, his eyes darting at the mess in his apartment.

“Their names are on their collars. Have fun,” she says, patting his back. She pushes him in, closes the door, and walks down the hall. Cinnabun is curled up in the corner, but when he sees Louise, he hops over to her. She picks him up and steps into the elevator. The doors close.

“LOUISE!”

**I.**

It’s on Louise’s 19th birthday when the war comes to an end.

Once again, her birthday is spent at the Wonder Wharf. This time, Tina and Gene are here. This time, they don't get distracted by a family of ducks in an alleyway. This time, they all walk to the door together. This time, they all see Louise’s present sitting on their doorstep.

A bouquet of white roses.

Well, it isn't a white flag, but it will do.


End file.
